vancemichael

ive been havin that empty heartbreaking sad cryin feelin in my heart for the last 2 days and its striking me like lightning and idk why...alright alright i kno why..or i have an idea why.. its you. i cant stop thinkin of you...i miss you :(  "your face will be the reason i smile but i will not see what i cannot have forever i'll always love  you i hope you feel the same i do" i cant stop listening to that song...it reminds me of you...i listen to a lot of songs about you..i even have a playlist. its been almost 4 days since i last talked to you but everytime i text you its just not the same...nothin is the same..only the way i love you and you care for me. i just pray one day...everything will be right again. because i cant see my life without you. i cant see myself with anyone else but you. even now i still think of us in the future with everything we talked about.

my heart is dying...without you :(

my heart misses lia so much :'( i hate that i cant sleep. if i did something about this, if i just didnt run away things would be different...why do i always run away from my problems? but wat could have i done? after my accident so many shit just blew at me i couldnt take the pressure so i backed away...

i miss you my baby i cant stop thinkin of you, im hurting so much without you, i never let you go i never stopped caring, i loved you so much i couldnt let you stay with me hurting so i had to back away :'( i didnt kno wat else to do, everytime i make a choice its always a bad one but thats always been me, i make bad choices knowing my consequences..wat do you call that? fearless or stupid? stupid. i want you to be with me i wanna be your baby :'( my life is so empty without you nothing is right. things are falling apart. you're my soulmate my other half my puzzle piece my chocolate chips to my pancakes. destiny is a funny thing we hear people say things are meant to be but not everyday you find chemistry thats as special as the one between you and me. you're my everything, i believe in us..thats why i believe love will find a way..find your back to me my baby :'( 

i just told lia how i felt..she was giving me hints to move on and tellin me shes happy with her bf and im happy for her definitely because her smile is my smile. i hate that i love her so much but i love that i love her so much. because of lia i understand love, love is fearless and unselfish...the bible showed us love through god given up his son but honestly i never knew what love really meant until lia...with lia i understood what god went through, you love someone so much ur willing to give up anything do anything. love is really hard to explain. i cant be with other girls i tried, but its nothing because i dont love them, i like them they're chill but nada...i only think of lia...my heart isnt ready it isnt ok, im heartbroken. everyday the pain hurts and i wish my heart would stop....life is short dude its gettin short...if i died today im glad i told lia i love her with all my heart because i really want those to be my last words. i never knew i could ever love someone so much.

im really glad ur happy lia, thats all i want for you =']
love is endless with you, to me

i love you my heart forever and always :'(

damn this week is hella busy..i kno i've been tryin to keep myself busy so i wouldnt have to think of lia but damn im packed..dance video contest,photoshoot,halloween party,the studio with jason and jb, everyday is busy but somehow shes all i think about, doesnt surprise me its what i do just think of you every morning i wake up and before i fall asleep. this weekend i wont get any sleep at all friday dance practice and costume shit and pre halloween bbq party and then saturday dance practice plus the studio with the local artists then halloween party at club insanity, club miami, and club illusionz and i seriously think i wont get home to 6 in the morning, then sunday we should film the video...im hella tired right now im about to crash.

i dont even get on livejournal much im usually writin in my blackberry and its all about her, its takin forever to get over you im honestly not over you at all, but idk...even as time is movin im just goin with the flow but not healing or gettin over you. i wish i could talk to you and just make you smile but everytime i feel like a failure and make a fool of myself, i cant even make you smile anymore :( i cant do anything right...
im just glad ur smiling because do you know when you smile it makes me smile because it lights up my heart and reminds me even though its super dark there will always be light...yeah i guess that sounds cheesy but its true

paayce nigga im out too tired to type anymore

soooooooooo hella tired dude.
i guess i should get this off my chest, it wont make any sense because its just a brainstorm of my feelings.
surprised i didnt go ballistic when  you said bf, i guess because i kno that i cant be selfish its because i know where i stand...fading memory and because i know that when you truly love someone you want them happy even if its not you making them happy
i'll always be here to help you with any advice im not dr phil but i'll try. i cant stop thinking about you, its hard even time is passing by it seems like yesterday like everything we've been through. im glad we can be friends its better than nothing and i know i'll be a better friend than before.
i just hope you know that im not selfish and i know where to stand...and we can give friendship another try

scratch being tired i think im sore...i havent break in a long time and now im hella sleepy

ahhh damnnitt!! how many months has it been? maybe it will take me yrs to get over you, and time is goin fast so hopefully that helps me =/ im starting to have nightmares about you again... maybe its because its where im at. your state..yeah that explains it i guess. today im leaving and i'll be home again and then i wont have nightmares hopefully. still at home i have nightmares, sucks how the mind and heart and emotions all work together. i wish it was easy for me to move on like you to get over me. i wish it was easy for me like it was simple for you. ahhh.....

"im not sure i will even make it out
a part of me is gone that i cant do without
you are my heart and soul
i need you to go on
cause girl you are my life support

my heart cannot take it (nooo)
i dont think i will make it
cause it is getting cold
i find it hard to breathe
i dont think im gonna make it

im in critical condition
i dont think im gonna make it without you
girl i need you in my life
and i cant accept the fact
gotta have you in my life
to make it through
im in critical condition
i dont think im gonna make it without you
girl i need you in my life
and i cant accept the fact
gotta have you in my life
to make it through "


yoooo but im in cali and im about to see neverland ranch! sucks not for public but mj was there! atleast i'll pay my respect
last night in hollywood and beverly hills was badass. we got lost dude i ended up having to drive back to la. i like here in cali, i think i should make a permanent home here one day...

its early but then again im use to wakin up early, my dad and bro hasnt woken up yet i dont blame them we didnt get back to the hotel til 2 almost 3 in the morning. what am i suppose to do in the mean time? lol i'll go find somethin to do, swim in the pool walk around in the hotel check out the lobby, eat!! maybe i should walk or take a cab or bus? shit what if i get lost? lol more adventure for me


paaayce lj i be out

time has been going by really fast, la is tomorrow, photoshoot, the fair, parties, then thanksgiving, then my bday and then christmas...daang. la is gonna be great, i'll be with my pops and bro, spend quality time with them before they leave. sucks the whole fam wont be together, mono has cross country and mom just said go without me since im not consider a part of the family. where does she get that idea from? shes really changing. its making me stress but i love her. im ready for neverland ranch, the place mj use to walk..i cant believe hes dead im still shocked so is my pops. i've been doing so much i havent been able to rest much. as soon as i get home from la, im going to sleep for a whole day! lol or atleast until im refreshed.

im anxious that i'll be in la tomorrow but i need to stop thinking about her and just enjoy my time there with my pops and bro.
everyday i think about you and everyday i just want you to know that but i cant i know i cant. it kills me but...it is what it is.


im hella tired im goin to bed...later

everyday all you guys do is fight "why cant you stay here? why do you have to go? you'll be alright here why are you leavin ur family?" jus somethings i hear every night every day. why wont you open ur eyes to the other side too, you only see one side. we understand that dad should stay home with us, but ahhh damnit this is confusin!!!! i dont kno wat to think anymore...this is not easy....this isnt a family, we're just a bunch of people livin in a house together. for real this is stupid, nothin we say can change ur mind about staying here with the family. im already torn up inside from everything that has happen in my life i dont kno wat to think anymore. i guess you gotta do wat you gotta do...

honestly i just ignore everything because i hate to find out the truth and i just mind my own business but sooner or later i have to face my family, i have to talk to them.

you're leavin next week as i was told and if its truth then thats the weekend in la, maybe i'll be able to talk to you then pops...jesus i need the strength too.

i tried gettin advice so i wouldnt feel more torn up inside but i feel even worst the one person i thought would help me didnt...i guess jb is right, i need to face reality she doesnt care not one bit, i guess thats ok? im tryin not to let it get to me, here we go again...i dont show any emotions where i become heartless to everythin. i cant open up dude and i dont kno why. the only advice i can do is jus stay strong huh?

i miss her and if she knows that i pray to god just to hear it from you one last time... :( you are the only one i feel comfortable with to open up about my fam because you were the only one who got me to open up, if you think im tryin somethin im not, honestly its jus easy for me to talk to you because you dont jus look at one side, you look at both side, you think outside the box, sometimes you dont even think outside the box, you tear it up, you're wise. i cant think anymore, maybe i should think for myself but then again..if i do, i mess up everything...maybe thats why you guys always give me a disappointed look because im jus a disappointment but who can blame you guys for thinkin that, im a screw up i kno it, everyone does, especially one person. i guess you can say you are somethin to me and you are, my guardian angel no matter wat even if thats not ur place, i still consider you a gift from god who had an impact in my life. i cant say ur nothin to me, ever because if i ever do, then everythin i said would mean nothin, you are somethin to me whether you accept it or not, its just a fact. ur my fearless. you taught me a lot, and i should use everythin you taught me, i should go talk to my parents and not be scared...thats one thing you taught me, dont be afraid. you can say that the reason why ur opinion or how you think of me affects me because i look up to you. ur faith and ur strength. life is a climb, i gotta keep goin then like the beat of my heart, i cant turn back now that i've come so far. gotta keep goin 

main goal:family

im always gettin into trouble and sometimes i dont kno why. must be the choices i make, why cant i make the right choices? is it because im ready for my consequences? i hate the consequences. i've been gettin into much shit this year, so many shit that is makin my life short. i keep sayin im changin my ways but i keep takin a step back, im tired of all this drama. this time i have to change, i have to be better. why do i feel like i havent improve? oh..i kno why... :( 

goals:
stay out of trouble
live my life
music
college

wtf?! dude...my mom is goin crazy
shes not herself..
she lied to me. my dad isnt leavin soon yet
this gives me more time
but damnit i hope we go to california before
the photoshoot
or go after the photoshoot.
my famlia is fuck up but hey whos familia isnt?

stayin home sucks, i dont do much
watch tv, cook, clean, i feel like a house mother
i need to do somethin, maybe i should get a job
in the mean time before college
i could always use the extra cash for somethin

i really hope my mom would stop goin crazy, none of us can even talk to her not even her brothers. i think thats where i get my stubborness from, my mom. dang i really need to change that.

 

be back lj

 

an unforgettable date.

next week im goin to be in california so im ready
i get to pay my respect for michael jackson, i looked up to him
as a kid, the best of the best i dont care wat anyone says.
next week is also the week my dad and tres leaves until december
i have only a week left to tell my dad thank you and i love you until dec
but anythin could happen. his condition is worst =/
damn lifes a beach homeh.


here we go again...
my mom is goin through my dads email
and finds emails from the "lady" in thailand
shes super p.o and shes shakin, i kno wats goin to happen
as soon as my dad gets home. i hate when they fight its stupid
for real i have no words to say, but watever
life has no meaning to me, i use to give a damn but now i dont give a fuck
 

but i'll say them anyways..
everyday i cant stop thinkin about her
its because i care so much about her, for her.
to me when you truly care for someone even if you're
with someone else you still think about the one you
care so much for.
this empty feeling...i hate it
music is the only thing that calms me right now...
i never use to write or play music so much until she came
along because i had a reason to write
shes my inspiration and she still is
i still write songs about her....
im still in love with her :'( i hope she knows im always
thinkin of her
3 months has past..im still pathetic...

i hate that i cant be open to my dad, i've lost connection
we use to be close
its almost time and i cant open up to him
hes my hero hes always been there for me
but im too damn stubborn to see that
why am i scared to tell him thank you dad i love you
i dont want you to go back i dont want you to go? :'(
all i can do is pray that ur time isnt up yet
because pops i really do need you here
i cant hold the family together, you do
damn why does people say vance ur strong? thats a fuckin lie
im so damn weak, i dont have the strength like my dad


i cant do this dude...

you kno theres so many things im holdin in
and i want to say but its a big blob of words
and it wont make any sense.
i cant help but feel like half
like i lost a part of me. when im layin in bed
lookin up at the sky or ceiling
im prayin maybe shes doin the same
and sometimes when i walk outside
i feel somethin...like i feel half and i just
feel the other half of me is over there.
in my heart i can feel it...her love...and it makes me believe
everyday helps me have faith, but
my negativity sometimes kick in
maybe i can be wrong, i would hate to be wrong :(

i hope she knows im thinkin about her...why would it matter though?
i just want her to know im thinkin
of her because i love her

:'(

i've been thinkin so much like too much like damnnn headaches
but i think...i finally have an idea or i finally kno wat my parents
feel. i think i kno why my parents relationship isnt the same
anymore...i kno bc i had a situation almost like that.
you can never really love the person the same
after being betrayed huh? i use to think..."damn why cant my parents
just love each other?" but its not that easy when the one
you love and trust with ur whole heart betrays you, when
ur heart feels like they betrayed you. i think we all make
mistakes that we wish with everything to give up anything
just to go back and fix it, if i had one wish i know i would fix
everything just to have you. i kno im suppose to be movin on
but what does that term mean move on? i take it as just live ur life
and dont dwell in the past but thats just me.
i think about her everyday theres always somethin around to remind me

the last words she said to me "i will always love you too my heart, my baby :'( take care of yourself"
i cant help but just want to break down and cry and cry bc her last words touch my heart :'(

ahh damnn wth im bein pathetic but i dont give a damn what people think
i love her and always will forever bc shes my true heart

"How can I just let you walk away,
Just let you leave without a trace,
When I'm standing taking every breath,
With you, ooohhh,
You're the only one who really knew me,
At all.

How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave,
Cause we shared the laughter and the pain,
And even shared the tears,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
There's just an empty space,
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face,
So take a look at me now,
Coz there's just an empty space,
And you're coming back to me it's against the odds,
And that's what I've got to face.

I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry,
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why,
You're the only one who really knew me at all.

So take a look at me now,
Well there's just an empty space,
There's nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face,
So take a look at me now,
So there's just an empty space,
But to wait for you is all I can do,
And that's what I've got to face.

Take a good look at me now,
Cause I'll still be standing here,
(Standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds,
And that's a chance I've got to take.

Chance i've got to take
Got to take

Take a look at me now, ooh.
Take a look at me now.
Take a look at me now"

this song says it... exactly how i feel... :(

"I never wanted anything the way that I want you
But my words don't seem to matter
My words don't seem to matter
And you look at me and I can see".... im jus a fadin memory.. :( 

you ever had pain that hurt greatly and soon enough ur body adapts to it and you go on with
life, 
but you kno you have pain you jus cant feel it bc
you adapt to it. i adapt to all my pain. i cant stop thinkin of her every morning 
shes the first i think of every night shes the last i think of. not gonna lie
everyday im prayin she will talk to me but its a selfish prayer 
and i dont expect god to answer it.. =/ 
but then again not gonna lie...i hope. 
thats the thing though...you have high hopes you receive low hopes. 
i cant seem to smile like i use to. i was lookin back in my memory book of her...
i miss you :( the girl i fell so deeply in love with :( still now...still deeply in love with :( 
goodbye isnt for me...but i just want you to be happy and i kno ur happy 
and thats all i want for you

i miss you when you use to say "smile for me" lol
 i could be in the worst mood ever or be the saddest
 just by sayin that  a smile came out. 
even right now thinkin back about it makes me have a grin smile lol 
everything wasnt a waste of time for me, i love every moment, i cherish it. 

:'(  

are refreshing. i fell asleep on my arm and i woke up and it was tingling lol dang i hate those. i woke up and i was home alone, i dont kno where everyone went, im startin to feel like my fam doesnt love me.. =/ lol jk! they were all outside bbqing the grill up so that means i jus had some steak mmm! damn! lol

wat can i write about today? about my day?
woke up..showered...cnn...read a book...a little exercise for strengthing...wrote some music...looked up some supras shoes to rock...looked up the air force...sounds like a short day, but it was long.
future plans? yaz party comin up and its a two days party, friday and saturday
im only goin to saturday...damn bein injured sucks..i kno for a fact now, i cant be a hobo hell noo!
because im bored out my mind!
its the labor day weekend
my uncle whos in the marines came back from japan and now is stationed in north carolina
hes comin to visit sunday and monday.

this is the longest to go without talkin to you
it makes me sad bc i miss you so much i love talkin to you and jus listen to you talk...ahh =/
i dont care about wat anyone says i still think of you
people can kiss my ass if they hate that

alrighty lj be back homehh

and im gettin bored!

im cravin for a smoothie king but everybody is too lazy to drive me...lame asses, wait until i get better they'll be askin me to drive for them and i'll do a doughnut around them and be like like yeah sure get in the car and as soon as they reach for the door...zoom! lol jk i wouldnt drive off far, but far enough for them to be like hell nooo! lol my hurr is growin longer now. i really need a freshh hurr cut.

im really gettin tired of these family meetings...why do i have to be there? im not takin over, but this is my family and its my job. theres so many things happenin around me but i jus seem withdrawn from everything, i dont kno...i think alot about everything.

dang im feelin lazy and sleepy lol

if only you knew how much i miss you.. "keep me in mind and i'll always think of you"

ever since my coma, i've been thinkin about the past and future a lot more than i have ever thought about the future and past. the past...i've died so many times but im still here, there were so many times i should have died. all i know is, im so bless by god. i keep takin that for granted too, soon maybe that wont be on my side anymore.. this is where my thinkin of the future comes in, i need to change. shes right though, i have change and i need to keep makin progress and not go back. i cant keep running from my fam, why do i always avoid them? i cant face them honestly i would just break down, i took in too much..i always blamed myself for every mistake, i always felt like the mistake...all the shit i give them.. honestly i guess i did those things because i didnt feel like they would care and i did it so much to the point that they gave up me and just let me do whatever i wanted and still...i still ignore them...wow...ASShole me. i dont kno wat to do though, i cant open up to them..i hold everythin inside. im already a failure to my fam. i cant make them proud, no matter what i do....

i wish abuela was still here, she was the closest person i was close to. she helped me with everything, if it wasnt for her...damn i would be in worst conditions. its crazy...thinkin back...rememberin somethin...it keeps replayin in my head...i thought it was all real but it was jus a dream...my abuela all she said to me was le necisitan and i keep thinkin..who? no one needs me, im no help. dang i hate bein negative, i gotta quit that shit. ok no more negativity. only positivity because i gotta keep my head up high to the sky where my abuela is lookin down at me. she was always proud of me even though i kno i did wrong. i adored that about my abuela..her caringness towards me even though im not good...i adore that about lia also...the way she loved me even though i knew i wasnt good, she saw through my bullshit

i cant stop thinkin about her... :( my prayers were answer though, i asked god just for one last time for lia to say she loves me, he answered my prayers :'(  i told god thats all i wanted was for lia to say i love you one last time, i told him i wouldnt ask for anythin else but just that. i havent asked for anythin after that, but i do pray for my fam

i miss her :'(

alrighty livejournal...later

it sucks i cant find my notebook journal so i decided you kno wat im gonna use my livejournal again then i wouldnt lose my journal lol. im gonna go all out, everythin im gonna write is gonna be wats on my mind. lol its like im talkin to myself lol wth? lol there i go again..damn..

in the mind of me:
everythin feels lost now my life doesnt feel full anymore...
i cant believe my dad is goin back...in his condition too, wtf
i mean i can understand why he has to go but damn...wat about the fam? damn honestly i hate dealin wit this shit
thats why i always jus dont give a shit and avoid my fam issues
so many things are runnin through my mind i cant even write it out
im like changin subjects around bc my brain is brain storming around about everything.

i was jus lookin back at my livejournal, it was all about lia...
damn not gonna lie i miss her like crazy so much... :(

got my 3000gt and chevy truck, im gonna be workin on my gt until january then college starts for me
i notice my life doesnt have any plans and even if i plan things they dont turn out the way i plan my life are like ocean waves..guess i gotta go wit the flow

be back lj